all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
