I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Im part way to drunk.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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