normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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