He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
