did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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