Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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