sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
