so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
