I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
