You're my little dorito
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
