my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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