She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
