If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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