you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I will be naked everywhere
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
