Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
His hands were made for my vagina.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
