Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
