I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
