just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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