So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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