Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
