My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
