Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
