Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
