Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
