Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
