dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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