everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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