yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
