There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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