i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
