Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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