There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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