my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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