I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
