If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
