dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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