I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
