20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
