i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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