Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
