I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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