im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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