I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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