I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
