It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize