Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
