Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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