I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
pop tarts are not kleenex
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
