you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
