im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
