i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
