Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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