I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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