He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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