I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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