Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
