i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
