I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
