i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
