I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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