Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
