just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize