My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
