God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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