Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I am morally bankrupt
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize